Coping Styles: What's yours?
Grief after pregnancy loss isn’t something that happens in a straight line.
Grieving is hard enough as it is. There’s no map to follow. But when it comes to pregnancy loss — a grief that’s often invisible to the outside world — finding any kind of validation in the aftermath can feel impossible. That lack of visibility makes so many people feel like they aren’t coping, or aren’t coping well enough. But the truth is, coping is deeply personal. There’s no one-size-fits-all definition. It looks different for everyone.
To really understand coping, we have to talk about what it means. We all have experience with it — whether it’s grief from death, or the weight of a life-altering event like a global pandemic, political injustice, or personal betrayal. Sometimes coping looks like comfort. Sometimes it looks like a distraction. Sometimes it looks like doing absolutely nothing. On the surface, it sounds simple: do what helps you feel grounded, safe, or okay — even for a moment. But in reality, it can feel like one more thing you have to figure out while surviving something you never asked to go through.
In the context of pregnancy loss, I define coping as any action — big or small — that helps you re-engage with life after loss, or simply brings you a little comfort in the midst of it. There’s no timeline. No right way. Just trial and error and a whole lot of grace.
There are many factors to determining what type of coping tools will be most effective for you as you navigate through grief and any trauma that you’ve experienced throughout the process of your specific loss (or losses). For starters, your personality and the things you enjoy about life outside of grief play a role in how you support yourself during a difficult time. For example, if you’re an introverted person, then attending an in-person support group might not be helpful for you at first (or at all). It’s important to remember that what works for one person may not work for you and that doesn’t mean you’re coping incorrectly. Lean into the things that are helpful for you, try new tools or activities and don’t be afraid to say I didn’t find that helpful so I won’t do that again.
Just like the different theories on the stages of grief that people experience, there are also a lot of styles or types of coping strategies and again, a lot of what you feel compelled to try or do falls back on your personality and what’s helped you in the past.
Let’s discuss different types of coping styles and what they look like for a grieving person:
From a grief counseling point of view, there are four categories of coping that are often used in therapy-like settings and those are problem-focused, emotion-focused, meaning-focused, and social coping. It’s important to remember that there’s no right or wrong category here – they are simply different because as human beings we are unique in everything we do.
Problem-focused coping is based on the organizational side of grief where you’re craving information, seeking validation (which can help the distress that a lack of control causes), and is utilized by people who are planners or participants in active coping. A lot of times this includes when someone is searching for the why and needing to have answers before considering another pregnancy or before being able to fully process and move through the grief of losing that pregnancy/child.
Emotion-focused coping sole purpose is to reduce the negative emotions that are associated with grief, in this case pregnancy loss. Some would look at the name of this type of coping and assume it had more to do with sensitivity, crying, and showing emotion (which are all totally okay to do by the way) but it really focuses on finding positive reframing, acceptance or forgiveness (to yourself and others), or turning to religion or some sort of spirituality belief.
Meaning-focused coping is where the bereaved uses cognitive strategies to find peace in grief or meaning in their loss. This happens in many different ways but the most popular example for this type of coping is mindfulness, journaling, or discussing your loss and being a resource for others.
Social coping – which can also be referred to as support-seeking – is the type of coping that I often see because people come to me to help them grieve and in this specific style. This type of coping is when someone reduces their negative emotions by seeking and leaning on support from their community. Whether it’s your in-person friends, family, peer-led support groups, or professional support groups, seeking community support is a huge asset to many grieving people.
Another way to explore what coping might look like for you is by asking a simple question: When I’ve gone through something difficult in life, how have I responded? Do you tend to process things emotionally, rationally, or creatively? I like this approach to coping styles because it builds on things you probably already know about yourself. Instead of starting from scratch, it invites you to pay attention to how you naturally move through hard things — the habits, tools, or outlets that have helped you feel even slightly more grounded in the past.
Examples of creative coping, rational coping, and creative coping may look like:
People who lean on creative coping strategies find that writing, creating art, leaning on a hobby or finding a new hobby, or listening to music are helpful as they navigate through grief after pregnancy loss. There are many different things a creative copper can do and finding a creative outlet for grief is incredibly useful.
Rational coppers often crave information and find it to be a helpful tool to understand their loss and how they can either use that information to help them in the future or to silence any guilt or shame that they feel. These type of grievers are also good at organizing and planning.
Those who are emotional coppers lean into their emotions and own the feelings that come up in grief. A good cry is something they lean on after a difficult day. Or they are journaling and creating space for the emotions instead of avoiding them, which is a natural reaction for many people.
When it comes to coping there’s a healthy way to cope and negative coping. But when you’re focusing on coping in a healthy way that progresses your grief to feel lighter to carry – remember that grief doesn’t just vanish – there’s really no right or wrong way to grieve. I find that people will compare their progress to others especially in a group setting and the truth is, we are unique in every sense of the word and even if one person has more bad days than good days (or vice versa) neither person is doing a better job at coping than the other. At the end of the day, it’s about surviving and doing so in a way that makes your life better in the long run. Whether that means being able to go out in public without breaking into tears, telling your story on a podcast, or journaling consistently, is up to you.
The Miscarriage Doula is an online resource and service that provides virtual support to people before, during, and after pregnancy loss. Including as they navigate grief, processing trauma, trying to conceive after loss, and pregnancy after loss. View our website and offerings: themiscarriagedoula.co